Thank you, but I'll stick with the "scripper scrapper"!!!

So my yearly review went so well today, that I had to look under the table to make sure there wasn't anyone else my Supv could have been talking to, lol!! As in the best. Review. I've. Ever. Received........Ever!!!! So when he (tried to) casually mention something about me becoming an MD/PhD or DVM/PhD one day, all I could was smile. REAL big since it appears he gets where I'm coming from. Or should I say where I'm going to. He just asked that I give him adequate notice, which I will.

There was also a LOT of talk of where my future at THIS company could go should I decide to stay, as in do your dissertation work here and be paid a full salary, stay. Now I've mentioned before a while ago about how many companies have special, usually unadvertised programs for helping their employees get PhD's and I think that's great. But I'm holding out for the "scripper scrapper" otherwise known as the stethoscope!!!

Jumping in head first!!!

So I've decided that despite having NO idea how I'm going to get everything in "order" in my life in the next year, I'm going to apply to med school for the class entering in the Fall of 2013 anyway!!! And I believe that if it's meant to be, God will order my life accordingly so that I can do this!!!

Now I can't say that I had a "burning bush" epiphany, but I will say that going to a Doctor's appointment at the school were I was enrolled for 2 summers in med school, coincidentally running into one person in particular as I was leaving the Deans' and financial aide office, DID give me that final boost! You may remember the ~60+ year old Black woman I blogged about years ago whom I used to work with during one of my lab rotations, and who in another life would have been a star PhD scientist had she grown up in a different time. Well, she's still wearing bad wigs, but her science is still tight, LOL!! So like I said before, I was leaving the financial aid office at this medical school when I ran into her and her first comment to me was, what are you doing here and where's your "white coat"?? I told her that I wasn't in med school but that I had taken the MCAT last year and done well. She let out this BIG exasperated sigh and loudly asked me "well why not"? Then she proceeded to LOUDLY say that I needed to get on it RIGHT NOW because I need to "strike while I was hot" and not to worry about those issues in my personal life that I felt I needed to resolve beforehand. Then she said, "you can always delay your start date if you don't have things where you need them to be by the time classes start". Now why this hadn't occurred to me before I have NO idea but fear of the unknown is at the top of my list. OTOH, I think I'd always subconsciously knew that I would apply this year if for no other reason than because my day gig is getting on my last nerve, LOL!!!!

Of course, this does change things a bit for me in that after I finish my Perl programming course, the Bioinformatics stuff is going to be put on hold so that I will: 1) Have more time to volunteer and 2) Be able to get a second, more medically related gig. I'll also be working more on my personal statement and preparing those transcript request letters.

So as the young kids say these days, LET'S GET IT!!!!!!!


PS- I don't know why the following song came to mind when I finished this post, ROTFLMBBO!!!!

Mirror, mirror on the wall...........................

In yet another AMAZING revelation I'm having about myself these days, I realize that when it comes to shedding insecurities about who I am, what I am, and what I feel I’m capable of achieving, I KNOW I have that completely licked (most days, LOL!!!) those which could hold me back. Unfortunately, the problem that occasionally creeps back up into my life and that I’ve been dealing with since the moment I entered college, is that many other people won’t for whatever reason, see me the same way I see myself. And this brings me to what I’ve been struggling with lately on my current gig. First, a LOT of my success depends on other people, I situation I find horrifying and 2) My Supv will NEVER see me rising above my current job situation, nor will he do anything to facilitate my long term advancement here. So for example, when a Scientist position came up in our group a few months ago which uses 90% of what I’ve been trained to do in the Pathology field, I wasn’t surprised he set it up so that I couldn’t compete for it by telling HIS boss that he didn’t agree I was suited for the job AND by insisting a PhD only be considered for it, despite HIS bosses’ initial support of my being considered. Now when the bovine you work with is higher ranked than you are in this company even though she never even finished a 2 year degree, it should probably come as no surprised that he may associate you with being a trifling underachiever as well. But today, when he questioned my desire to attend a research meeting attended primarily by Physicians, the hairs on the back of my neck literally stood up.

Here’s the thing. Just because the bovine of ill intent only has aspirations of attending meetings geared toward techs, avoids reading slides and papers whenever she can, and refuses to earn the FREE bachelor’s degree the company could have paid for 3 times by now given how long she’s worked there, do NOT confuse me with her. He doesn’t seem to understand that mine was a deliberate decision to be here because I wanted more experience in Pathology over more money and titles, certainly not that I was consigning with being thought of as a technician. And it’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with being a technician, that’s where I started a LONG time ago. But when I finished my first MS in 1999 after having worked in research labs about 10 years and got published 2 years later, I became a Scientist whether or not anyone else agrees with me or not. More importantly, once you’ve learned how to be a scientist and act and think like one, it’s almost impossible to think ANY other way. So for example, if I lost my job tomorrow and had to scrub toilets at the Piggly Wiggly, I would STILL be a Scientist, thinking I don’t wanna’ mix acid based cleaners with bases or I’ll die from the released ammonium gas, ROTFLMAO!!!!! My deal is this. When you’ve worked for a world known Pathologist whom you’ve also published with, it’s almost impossible to see yourself as anything other than capable to being among the best of the best. Or at least trying.

So that part of our conversation ended with me saying: “ it’s clear that you don’t see me that way I see myself, so we’ll have to agree to disagree on that point. But I know for sure that my future in this field extends far beyond where I am today and I have every intention of doing whatever I have to today to make sure I’m prepared for my future”. For me, that means I’ll be using vacation time as well as my own money to attend this meeting with Pathologists, because the bottom line is this. If I’m not willing to invest in my VERY bright future, I sure as hell can’t depend on anyone else to do it!

The business of death

Anyone who doesn’t understand that death in this country is BIG business is deluding themselves IMHO. My work in big pharma shows that well enough but my previous work in Academia does too in that there isn’t nearly as much research into diseases which are rare or that effect certain racial groups disproportionally like sickle cell anemia. But the latest Robin Cook book I’m reading Death Benefit, not only highlights this fact, but also perfectly shows how much greed has just about ruined the field of medicine. At least that’s how I see it.

I won’t go into any details of what the book is about except to say that medical students and their principal investigators are main characters, but suffice it to say that I think it’s worth a read for anyone who enjoys medical mysteries which touch on what’s going on in medicine today.

Speaking of sickle cell disease, I read a super interesting article in Today’s Hospitalists about pain management in this group of patients. As I expected before even reading the article, patient’s pain is NOT managed well at all in this group which consists mainly of Blacks (It’s already been published that Blacks are less likely to have their pain needs met, a situation I became aware of as a patient). And this group of patients is special to me because the thesis project for my Chemistry graduate program examined the molecular mechanisms of vasoocclusive crisis. I also have a family history of thalassemia, which is also a genetically inherited blood disorder.

At any rate, here’s a link to the article:
http://todayshospitalist.com/index.php?b=articles_read&cnt=1436

and yet another nudge for me in the academic Hospitalist direction, a position in a setting which would obviously allow me to do research too,!!!!

Dante's peak and me

I may or may not have mentioned that my kid wants to earn a Bachelor's in Geological Engineering followed by a PhD in Geology (though I still prefer her to stick with becoming an Architectural Engineer). And this afternoon, we were watching the movie Dante's Peak which briefly is about a volcanic eruption in a small town. One of the lead characters is a PhD Geologist’s (Pierce Brinson) who futilely tries to warn the town of the impending volcanic eruption, but is vetoed for political and financial reasons by his boss.

And this movie, along with some other thoughts I had earlier in the week, has me thinking about my REAL chances of becoming a successful Physician/Scientist knowing that political/financial “games” have never really been my thing. In other words, I’m starting to feel that desiring to work in a field where few people who look like me are supported over the course of their careers is perhaps not such a good idea and one need only look at how few people of underrepresented colors are conducting research for proof. So yes, I’ve always been very clearly aware of the obstacles but the question I’m asking myself these days is if all the $hit I’m going to have to deal with to become and maintain success as a Physician/Scientist is going to be worth it. At 25 and 35 I was VERY sure but now at 45, I’m just not so sure anymore.

I’m reminded of the proposal I wrote to apply for a research grant in my MS Pharmacology program that the PI I was rotating with “hated”, but that not long afterwards became part of his favorite students’ dissertation. I’m reminded how I was unsuccessful last year finding a PI to support my application for a research supplement to work in their lab. In other words, I couldn’t find a person who would have me in their lab FOR FREE!!! Ok wait that’s not exactly true, I was offered 4 positions but NONE of them were local, so maybe that doesn’t count nor is all that realistic for me to complain about since people frequently have to relocate to pursue specific research interests, LOL!! Finally, I’m reminded of all the papers I contributed significant work to but was never acknowledged in the acknowledgements section of the publication, never mind getting the co-authorship I deserved.

So now I’m giving thought to how I might be able to leverage training as a Physician Scientist into something that would be more professional fulfilling and 2 things come to mind: 1) Start a science based business and/or 2) Choose a clinical career like being a Hospitalist.

Okay, enough trying to read tea leaves into the future, I did get a little work done on my personal statement (the first paragraph). And for some reason, it seems to older I get the harder it is to put how I got to this point into a readable perspective, but I’ll keep plugging away until I get the job done! My classes are going well too though it can be frustrating to have to be so EXACT all the time, kinda reminding me of analytical chemistry lab where 2.00g does NOT equal 1.98g or 2.01g. But I have to admit, the anal retentive nature of learning computer programming languages is fun, though I’m not sure what that says about me, LOL!!!

Finally, RIP Ms. Whitney Houston whose music was the soundtrack of my 20’s. Yet another soul who will have far more peace in death than she had in life!

Dream deferred

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode? "

I guess you could say I'm in a bit of a "funk" these days with the realization that the one BIG reason I keep going back to school to collect degrees is because I haven't enough job satisfaction on 99.9% of the jobs I've had in my career to stop. So maybe it makes since why I'm not bothered applying to med school at an age where most people have reached the peak of their careers.

One thing I do know is that all the "challenges" I see on this path to becoming an MD,PhD are nothing compared to my daily struggle to find meaning in my daily work knowing that I'm probably only using 1/3 of my brain and less than 1% of my lab skills. So I literally thank God EVERY day I have my Bioinformatics program and numerous other internet Path resources to keep me mentally and professionally going! Now if I coukd just get the first line of my personal statement done, LOL!!!

V'day 2012

The pic that ONLY a true Path fan can appreciate:

Ubuntu....................ub who?

The African name given to what I think is the best OS in the world, Ubuntu means "humanity for others". It's commonly used to run programs that require a LINUX/UNIX environment which you're likely unknowingly using when you use your cell phone! Anyhoo, learning to use programs like Perl in Ubuntu is this weekends challenge and later I'll move on to other programs which preferably run in Ubuntu (Perl isn't one of those, thank goodness because most folks are either using Mac OS or Windows). In the meantime, I feel myself morphing into a super geek since that's how most people tend to see people who work extensively with computers.

Other than that, this was yet another challenging week for me health wise as I was out 2 days. So I'll have to think, in conjunction with my Doctors, about a plan moving forward with the knowledge that another surgical procedure is highly likely.

Moving on from that, I did apply for 2 gigs in Bioinformatics this week, one of them in the Bioinformatics dept at the university where I'll continue studies this fall. And I hope that one comes through, even though I hear the PI is tough. The thing is that tough I can deal with, asinine as in what I've been dealing with for the last 4 or so years is a different and intolerable story. So when people talk about how "tough" a PI is, that usually means they expect their subordinates to work VERY hard and long and get the work done yesterday. I say bring it, that's right up my professional alley!

Love, peace, and sooooooooooooul!!!

I don't have much to report this week because I wasn't feeling well, but I did manage to finish my R-stats class. I've also made some progress toward my personal statements, so I'm feeling pretty good about that! But now I'm on to Bioconductor, another Bioinformatics computational program.

Job wise, the cow returns from a one week vacation tomorrow so as you can probably imagine, I'm really looking forward to dodging bananna peels and bullets again next week. Some days I ask myself how/why I put up with this crap, and other days I just seems par for the course for a minority woman working in corporate America. Still I know at the end of the day, I'm a fish out of water working there.

I did find a VERY cool iPad app developed by Hopkins, the link for which is below:

http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/ipad/

While I think most of my readers may be grossed out (pun intended) by this site, I'm certain my Path fans can appreciate this app and maybe folks studying for the boards.

Finally, I have to end the post as a dedication to the memory of a man who made such a huge contribution to Black culture, Black social gatherings in particular. Don Cornelius the creator of Soul Train, died earlier this week and below is a clip of what was such a huge part of my early childhood on Saturday mornings: