A special kind of tummy ache

So I talked a LOT about the colonoscopy I had last week which was heavy on my mind because my Dad died from colon cancer. But I didn't talk about the endoscopy I also had and that was where a "problem" was found. Now I considered using my own endoscopic images for this post but decided against it because it sounds like a weird thing to do (and may be somewhat unethical). So in what was a COMPLETE surprise to me, polyps were found in my stomach, they were removed, and grossly didn't look like anything more that just benign pieces of tissues ( of course, I'm waiting on histological conformation). I was also diagnosed with acid reflux which is related to how the polyps are believed to have developed on the first place. The thing is, I've never felt serious symptoms of acid reflux unless I ate spicy food and over time, I grew smart enough to take a GasX before eating food like that. But I do have a family history there too, both my mother and grandmother took meds for it. And now so do I.

Funny thing is that all these procedures I'm having are only reinforcing my decision to pursuing a patient oriented field of medicine and over and over again, I'm feeling like Oncology would be a great fit. So I'm going to set up for the summer, some shadowing experiences with one of my mentors, a Black female MD/PhD who specializes in Urological Oncology, which reminds me. Its a lot of fun to think about areas I may want to pursue in Oncology. And true to my previous interests in Pathology, similar areas of specialization come to mind like Gynecological Oncology (especially breast), and Urological Oncology because I really enjoyed my kidney cancer research projects!

Same song, different day, what da' ??? combo!

I decided to make my response to one of the comments on an earlier thread a post topic because it's something I've talked about before and it's something that IMHO, has subtle racial undertones, as if we need ANYTHING else "racial" to read about these days!
Here's the impetus for today's post:

I don't feel entitled to anything, actually. But when I am on a web forum where I sometimes feel belittled, I think it is reasonable to make the decision to leave.

This was not the first time I felt bullied by your comments, which is very interesting to me, because generally I am very comfortable with conflict and debate.

What you refer to as "heated debate" on that other site, is actually mockery and snarkiness on your part.

(FYI, I come from a working class family, went to a public commuter university, and worked 30 hours a week during college as a housecleaner and medical assistant. I paid for medical school through loans.)

Well, anyway, good luck with your journey into medical school. I wish you the best, I really do

And here's my response.

First off, I thanked her for the comment. Second, I knew she would name me as reason for her decision to discontinue participation on that website, as it's not the first time it's happened, ostensibly for verbal "bullying" on my part.

You know all of my internet life, I've always found it interesting that women seem to choose phrases like "being bullied" to describe losing, or their perceived loss in a verbal debate. I didn't shout (use all caps) and I didn't use a single threatening term or phrase (like I'm gonna kick your ass). I basically used NONE of the phrases true bullies use, yet she felt bullied?? I actually heard my online behavior described similarly in another debate on a premed website for older applicants on a thread about health disparities (and I haven't posted on that site since). Now maybe it's just me, but when I see the term "LOL" and I used in a post on the same thread where she felt bullied, I usually assume the person is being lighthearted, yet she got bully out of that? And BTW, I did NOT write “I’m gonna kick her virtual ass, LOL!!!” either!

So why it is that hotly debated topics especially those involving race and/or SES, ALWAYS leads to someone feeling "bullied"? I think it's no coincidence that 99.9% of the time I've observed it on that site and on others, the people complaining about being bullied have two things in common. Same gender, same race. I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I'm in a heated debated about an issue I feel passionately about, it's gonna get hot! It's so NOT personal, yet some people take it that way anyway. And there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about it.

At the end of the day I'm left with the same question, how much does MY gender AND race have to do with THEM playing the "bully" card since it’s the same ‘ol “them” playing it?? Because when I talk to other women like me (Scientists and Doctors), we ALL have at least one experience and usually many more, with having been accused of being a bully (or confrontational) by a woman a LOT like “them”. Yet we STILL have to do our jobs well and hold our heads high anyway, all while doing our damdest not to complain about how "unfair" it is and become bitter, which could ultimately lead to high blood pressure. And THAT of course, is easier said than done, and apparently NOT done very well by "us"!

Here’s the thing, when a man comes back to me with, “Apop201x, your defense of funding of health disparities made me feel bullied”, THEN I'll pay it some attention, and then only a bit. One person’s “bullied” defense of a position is another person’s “passionate” defense, so why aren’t women like me ever considered being “passionate”? Probably for the same reason that black kid in a hoodie is a hoodlum, and a white kid is a skater boy.

When someone brings to my direct attention that I’ve mistreated them in ANY way or misunderstood something we’ve debated, I’m the FIRST to apologize. But anyone that doesn’t have the courage to at the very least be willing to talk to me about it, probably don’t have very good intentions themselves.

PS- I can think of a hellva' lot of responses FAR more "snarky" than what I said in that thread, to someone stating that >25 is too old for med school, but that would make my blog R rated!

PSS- I CAN be VERY snarky especially when I hear something I think is dumb like it's a given that the older you get, the less well EVERYONE learns! BALONEY!!!!!

New username to stay?

Over the past couple months, I've been thinking about a new username to reflect the fact that I'm now pretty clear I want a career that combines direct patient care (as an Oncologist?), with translational research. So I'm going to try the name Apop201X, short of course, for apoptosis a cellular process which ultimately kills cancer cells!

Ducolax, Ex Lax, or Miralax??

2 of 3 please, LOL!!!! So anyone who's had a colonoscopy is FULLY aware of the prep needed for the procedure which typically encompasses 2 of these 3 laxative medications, so I'll spare you the details of exactly how that experience went. Suffice it to say that not only had I not eaten a thing in almost 48 hours (what da' hell was I thinking when I scheduled it for 1:00 in the PM??),I didn't get one wink of sleep last night because I was "busy" doing other things, LOL!!! And the funny thing is that I couldn't stop laughing about it until it was time to go to the facility where I was having the procedure. Then I started thinking about all the symptoms I'd had over the past year and the fact that my Dad died from colon and prostate cancer in 2001. Long story short, my colon looks good but the junction between my stomach and esophagus does not, so I'll be on yet another medication for acid reflux, which I didn't know I had in the first place.

In other happenings, I took my kid to the dentist and was called a coward for letting MY fear of dentists (and her last BAD interaction with one) cause me to let more than one year go by before her next appointment with the Dentist. And now she has her very first cavity at the age of 15. Okay, I guess I get the bad Mom award, but I really like her ol' school, white male, white haired Dentist who had no problems lecturing me on the importance of maintaining good oral care. Point taken, Doc. K!!!

Speaking of cowards, looks like my out spokeness may have ruffled the prim and proper feathers of yet another member of a premed web site I frequent, this one for women. Interesting theme I notice from some women whom I usually classify as "entitled", a little heated debate causes them to "run for the hills", LOL!!! Well as the young kids say, "don't start nothin', won't be nothin'", especially when you're implying something as stupid as young medical students learn better than older ones, and that anyone over age >25 is OLD for a med student! Yeah, that's gonna rub me the wrong way EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!

Lazy blogger these days

So I've been in a bit of a funk (again) lately, a combo of medical issues, mothering a 15 year old, and working with a mean arse cow. But as usual, I'm doing the best I can to make it all work.

Next week is a SUPER medical issue week, since I'm having my first colonoscopy, an exam I've put off since I was 40 which was the recommended time I start given my paternal history of cancer and the fact that my Dad died from colon cancer. That rather unpleasant event is going to be followed by a MRI on an area of my body a part-time female surgeon screwed up 8 years ago (and perhaps now my disdain for part-time surgeons is understandable). In between all that, I get to go work on a job with a person who will likely go down in my professional history as being the most mean spirited b*tch I've worked with ever. So to cope, I keep telling myself there's a "bigger lesson" to be learned here, but now that my kid is telling me that she's starting to see some similarities in how I am at home with how I was when I worked with the raggedy mouth screaming Vet, I KNOW it's in my best long term personal and health interest to start looking for a new gig ASAP!

The question is, what in the heck am I gonna do? I could try to transfer to another department at my current company but I KNOW my current Supv is NEVER going to approve that because I'm too valuable to my group. I like the autonomy and ability to work from Starbucks a job in Bioinformatics could give me, but I'd miss working around NICE people too. Plus, my Bioinformatics stuff is on hiatus until at least the Summer, and all that means is that I only do one lecture/week instead of 3-5 (you KNOW I can't stay away from school too long, LOL). I'd also LOVE 5-10 hour/week medical assistant job as a side gig, but in metro DC those tend to require certification. I'm going to give this some more serious pursuit since I keep finding myself having this exact same thought process.

In other news, my daughter and I visited the Native American Museum in Metro DC yesterday and had a GREAT time exploring this other part of our heritage (I may have previously mentioned that I have Cherokee ancestors, while my daughter has both Cherokee and Seminole ancestors). It's a beautiful building and the weather yesterday was perfect for a visit, but I was VERY disappointed in the number of exhibits they had regarding the Cherokees. We did purchased a few items for the gift shop, had cool drink, watched a tribal dance, and just sat, it's such a wonderfully spiritual place!

The prints shown in this post are by a Native American artist by the name of Tony Abeyta. Aren't they beautiful??

PS- with each passing day I am so feeling NOT going into the field of Pathology, opting instead for a speciality in Internal Medicine, or being an Internist/Hospitalist. Details in my next post, LOL!!!

Walk away from the light, walk slowly away from the light!!!

So I've been VERY busy these days with work, family, and class. And in the course of my VERY busy life, I realize that I've come pretty close to mastering how to survive in big Pharma, a feat if you've been reading my blog for a while, I didn't really plan on achieving. But I'm clear that the reason I'm here (or there?) is to be trained for something bigger and better professionally speaking, down the road. And I'm also VERY clear that that "something" is med school.

Speaking of med school, I've got the first few paragraphs of my personal statement for med school done and for me, that's the hardest part. But it's so hard to avoid the cliche of med school personal statements, the "I became interested in medicine after me/my family member/ect. had a medical crisis and I become inspired", blah, blah, blah. But aren't those the kind of experiences which propels us to do other things in life, so why should medicine be any different? I think I've come up with something that's true to me and hopefully not to cliched but of course, I'm going to run it by a few people in the know to be on the safe side. OTOH, the easier of my personal statements, the one for grad study in Bioinformatics, is now done. Yeah me!

Anyhoo, I'm still bouncing back and forth in my mind between a clinical/research career via Pathology, Hospitalist medicine in an academic setting, or work as an Internist in an clinic which serves the underserved. And as I'm now FAR more mature about how things really work in professional settings and even better, how to play the "game" to win, I don't know if I could find long term career satisfaction in ANY ONE of those. But obviously I don't need to worry about that right now, LOL!!! However, I DO think Hospitalist medicine, followed by work with the underserved, could be a good combo!!!