Confirmation to a view!

If there's one thing I'm known for in my family it's for sometimes doing things my own way, even when my way is the "hard way" and when there's an easier path available to me. In this case, my dilemma is what to do in the couple years between now and med school. I VERY much want to do something full-time that's a combo of bioinformatics and cancer research, but that's not the way things are working out so far, those things are only about quarter of my life right now. So upon the encouragement of just about every one I know, I've been looking at all the options surrounding my current gig in private tutoring especially given the significant demand here in metro DC. And in the course of doing some research, I came across an article on the website entrepreneur.com looking for answers about why these last 3 years have been so difficult for me, employment wise. Then I found this article "12 Surprising Signs You Could Be an Entrepreneur", looked at the list closely, and every bell in my head started ringing:

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/224791?fb_ref=fbrec

Now I'm in NO way substituting this for my ultimate goal of being a Doc, but I know MANY Docs that DO have businesses on the side. And I've said for a while now that working for myself in some capacity is THE ultimate goal. Most importantly, the practice of medicine IS a business, so future Docs would be smart to get their fiscally oriented minds in gear ASAP!!!

So, the items on this list that strongly resonate with me include being bullied, fired, bored, bad at making small talk (translated gossiping about others), and being unable to unwind (courtesy of adult ADD, LOL!!). But the one thing I clearly recognize I need to work on is the one on small talk which to me means, playing office politics. And that lead me to a few other articles, because office politics is something I've NEVER really been good at. But it's something I clearly need to cultivate to make it out of med school and beyond.

And that brings me to this bullying in med school/residency situation that I'd honestly NEVER heard a lot about until I heard it with my own ears a few months ago. I was having lunch at a popular spot at a local DC med school when I overheard the conversation between a Latina OB/GYN resident and her White, male Attending. Now from my perspective, they BOTH needed to "check themselves", she was a little too "sensitive" about the politics she was dealing with (and yeah, that sounds familiar, LOL) and he too dismissive of some of the genuine concerns she about her work environment. Ironically, that same day someone sent me an article which talked about the severity of bullying in the medical profession and why they think I need to pursue another goal other than a medical career (and the fact that this person makes more than the average in Doc doing IT, supports their position, LOL). They know I'm not going to deal with that crap well at all in part, because it's no longer in my personality to be a doormat and also because at my age, I've dealt with enough getting to this point in my life, so my tolerance is near zero. And here's an article to illustrate my point about bullying in medicine:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/09/the-bullying-culture-of-medical-school/

In my mind, there's a HUGE difference between playing "office politics" well and being abused, but from what I've observed these past few years working for a couple employers and what I'm reading in articles like the one above, the terms are interchangeable. People I know that seem to play "office politics" well and survive are IMHO many times, a$$ kissing sycophants. And for what purpose, to get laid off or a bad eval, along with high blood pressure anyway? Umm NO thanks!!! OTOH, I think anyone going into medicine knows or should know that they're going to be abused on some level, and I'm no exception to that. I guess I kinda always thought that like many folks, I'll deal with whatever I have to, to get to where I want to be. But unlike a LOT of people I've worked with recently, I'm NOT willing to compromise my integrity, a position which has already "cost me" 2 jobs in recent years. Unfortunately, there IS a line with me that once it gets crossed (and that usually occurs when I've either been yelled at frequently or lied on), it's usually impossible for me to get back on the good side of the office politics game, because I WILL respond.

So this is where I've made the conscious decision (with frequent reminders) to: 1) really work on being VERY calm when I respond in these situations and 2) Stay "prayed up" as the old people say. And that second one is big. It's known in religious circles that ONLY God can fight "the devil", so I must remember that and stop engaging in "battles" I know I can't win (and the religious among my readers knows exactly what I'm talking about). It also involves listening to God when he speaks to you because I've always believed that God provides us with road maps so to speak for our lives if we would only LISTEN and heed whatever warnings He gives us, our lives would be MUCH happier. So for example, I knew my first day at work at that last Big Pharma company things wouldn't end well for me, so why was I there? Hell, I knew before I started but I worked there anyway and as my grandmother used to say, "a hard head makes for a soft behind!"

And that brings me back to the first few lines in this post, life is soooo much easier when we follow God's path for us instead of always creating our own without His guidance!

November 2012's, 10 for the road!!

I've been in a pretty funky mood lately, so this top 10 is gonna' be pretty funky too, LOL!!!



1) Will someone PLEASE tell Mitt Romney to sit his out of touch a$$ down somewhere? Seems dude is hell bent on running the Repub party down to the ground with hsi disparaging comments toward the 47% of Americans!!!!

2) I'm so not a person who lives with or in regret. But if I could have a "do over" of the past 7 years I've spent primarily in a career in histology/pathology, I'd take it ALL back (except my 2 years at the NIH), and do something more "people oriented". And the fact that becoming a Pathologist is pretty much a distant memory for me, doesn't help that sentiment one bit!!!

3) Relating to #3, at one point I rather arrogantly thought that my "issue" with most people who do this kinda work was the fact that they "hated on me" because I outworked and out educated most of them. But then I realized that that wasn't it at all. I simply find it amazingly disconcerting to work around people who have shortchanged themselves , then take their frustrations out on people who live healthy, challenge filled lives.

4) Relating to #4, it also occurred to me that perhaps one reason I work extremely well around over achievers (who mostly seem to take their health pretty seriously too like Meanie Moo PI) or as is the case of 95% of the students I teach/privately tutor those who want to be that one day, is because I take inspiration from people who aspire to be the best they can be! And because they're often happy in their own lives, they're fun to work with too! Unhappy people = unhappy work environment, which I realize may or may not have anything to do with academic achievement as in the case of Meanie Moo PI (then again she didn't get tenure, so maybe achievement IS related?)

5)I did the math last night and realized that if I privately tutored full-time, my income would be almost 150K. Yep, you read that right 150K which has me really considering doing that MUCH more than the 5-10 hours I currently do.

6) Relating to #5, I was asked by 2 families to home school their kids in Science and Math and YES, I'm giving it some serious thought!!!

7) I'm doing MUCH better with the "anger about my last job experience situation", but I'll keep it real, having my services be in high demand makes me want to go "moon" the folks I used to work with, LOL!!! Oops that's right, they're not there anymore because their jobs were closed DOWN!!!! Karma anyone?

8) I haven't lost track of my med school goals, though I realize I haven't talked about it much lately. But trust me, I'm writing and re-writing my personal statement in my head ALL the time!! And given all the numerous interactions I have with different people, from a variety of different backgrounds and cultures, and all the new places in Metro DC I'm visiting, gives my life more "color" which I'm sure will come out in the words of my essay.

9) Happily for me, part of my Thanksgiving break is going to be spent with an Orgo II student to which I say, bring it on!!! I HEART Orgo!!!

10) Finally, I wish to thank all my readers and supporters along this crazy path toward med school, which is my life! And please have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!

Check yo' self befo' you wreck yo' self!

I'm normally a sickening happy morning person to the point where my daughter frequently asks me to tone it down a bit. I'm also usually VERY tired by Friday due to getting up before dawn and frequently coming home after dusk.

But this morning was different, for some reason I got up enraged thinking about everything I went through working for that last Big Pharma company. I went about things as normal, then after dropping my kid off at school, went to my local Starbucks to get some work done. My normal routine is to access the Steve Harvey Morning show on line which I also listen to during my 45-60 minute commute to my kid's school, then check my favorite blogs, starting with the Grady doctor. And what I read there still has me with tears in my eyes, because just a few short hours after Dr. K said good bye to her sister last night, her sister died suddenly. And I've been fighting back the tears ever since.

You see it's an understatement to say that the unplanned change of jobs I had this summer turned things upside down in my life and yeah, though the legal process is moving along and in my favor, it's still a very hurtful, awful employment memory to have. But my anger with what I observed in Big Pharma and experiences I had there, pales in comparison to the sudden death of a loved one, so I quickly had to "check myself" and think about the zillion other ways my life is blessed and happy. And that brought to mind this old school rap video:



At times like these you realize that everyday of life is a gift even if some of the thoughts you're having that day aren't the best. But the good news about bad times is that they NEVER outweigh the good unless you focus on that.

So for the rest of my day, I'm going to count my blessings and be thankful for all the wonderful people who were in my life yesterday and are still here today!

What people do for money

One of the harsh realities of working in a recession is the observation that folks will do damn near ANYTHING to get/keep a job. Actually, this was truebefore the recession. But as a friend told me earlier today, this recession is a gold mine for business owners in many ways because they can get away with treating their employees like crap and not have to deal with the consequences. These days, folks are too afraid to lose their jobs to rub the people in charge the wrong way. But not me, my integrity/honor aren't for sale and even when I know I'm working for someone insecure like the Vet Path I thankfully no longer work with, I'm NOT willing as HE was, to engage in unethical behavior like falsifying data to keep my job. Yeah, there's not much folks won't do for money, even if it could eventually kill others.



Movin' on, what I hadn't talked about yet were the election results, and yes I'm VERY glad President Obama won! Now my regular readers may remember than not only was I a Black Repub back in 2008, I also supported McCain in the 2008 election (who's treatment of Susan Rice I find reprehensible, BTW). However, after seeing where the party was headed thanks to the likes of Rush and crew, it didn't take long for me to declare myself Independent and I've been such ever since. Interestingly, I've been "allowed back into my family" since I supported the President this time around, and that's nice because I'm tired of defending why I supported McCain!!!

A figurative and literal beat down

So Monday was the absolute worst day ever as far as my teaching career is concerned. My class started off normally until one if my students walked in looking like she'd been through a tornado.(This was also the student I mentioned in an earlier that once reminded me that she had a degree in Chemistry. ) At any rate, she and I had formed a kind of special bond because she is married, was going back to school as a non traditional student, and had a family.

Well, it turns out she had just been abused by her husband and had also lost a pregnancy 1 week earlier, so it took everything I had to keep from crying as she was telling me her story. We worked out a way for her to finish the semester, then I excused her for the rest of the week.

Now just when I'd gotten my head around her situation, one of the students in the "trifflin' crew" decided to pick THIS day to show his scrawny ass, and yeah I meant to say scrawny ass!!! He interrupted me for half the class as I was trying to teach, playing music, talking loud, ect, so I finally raised my voice and asked him to keep it down or leave the room. What happened next is a first in an off and on again teaching career going back almost 20 years. In front of the entire class, this mofo proceeded to THOROUGHLY berate me saying some pretty awful things. Now what I should have done was just asked him to leave which I did, but not before saying a couple things like "the reason you're taking this class for the second time and are failing again, is because you're lazy and your attitude sucks. And no, it's NOT my fault YOU'RE failing." Now I'm not saying that I handled this situation perfectly, but I certainly don't regret what I did say. Teaching these days is NOT like it used to be, MANY students have entitlement issues, want good grades without working for them, and have nothing that resembles common courtesy or manners. And NONE of those things rubs me the right way. I'm also keenly aware of why most college profs don't give a flying flip about their students because it's the ones like this scrawny jack-ass that ruins things for the rest of the group, profs become cynical, and it comes out in their teaching or lack there-of.

But what's ironic in a hurtful kinda way, is the fact that I purposely choose to teach at this low/unranked school for the specific purpose of motivating students who didn't have the credentials to get admitted to the many higher ranked schools in Metro DC. And despite the fact that quite a few of my colleagues have expressed nothing but disdain for these students, I maintained my commitment to excellence in teaching them and doing my best to help. But after hearing some of what scrawny ass had to say (and of course, assuming it's true), I don't know if I'm not wasting my time being there. And the fact that overall, my best evals have come from my students at the better schools in the area, has me rethinking my purpose there. Now in fairness, I have far more students at this school and overall all my evals were good, but still. Is there something to be said for students at lower ranked schools being lazier (and few clearly more ignorant) than the student at say, UM-College Park? Yes, according to one of my colleagues, but I'd like to think that there's more to it than that. Or maybe, I'm being naive? What I do know is that I never once had an outburst in my class when I taught in the 'hood, so I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to home training and folks feeling entitled to do whatever they want because of who they are.

Moving on, I'm now onto to the second phase of being considered for a position at the NIH and yes, I'm excited!!! Unfortunately with this position, it'll be hard to work at this level while working on my PhD in Informatics. But I'd give it a chance anyway since there will be significant overlap between this position and my coursework and the pay is tremendous. Of course, that would bring an end to my teaching career but after the day I had on Monday, I don't think I'd mind! Yes, I LOVE teaching and mentoring students who don't have role models, but it's the ones like scrawny that mess it all up for everyone else. Not to mention the number of students exactly like him who have been in the news over the past couple years after "losing it" with a teacher of professor, situations that didn't always end well for the Prof. So right now, it's not really feeling worth the hassle especially given the pay, but we'll see what happens moving forward.

Medical ethics and other 'ish

So this week I had 2 phone interviews regarding NIH positions and as usual, I'm really, really, REALLY hoping one of them comes through. The only problem is that one is 70% bench and 30% Bioinformatics work, and the other is 70% Bioinformatics and 30% project management work. In other words, not the exact combo I was looking for, but obviously I'd happily take either one! Speaking of jobs, I got a raise for my private tutoring gig which is cool but no matter how many times my clients tell me I should do this full time, I kindly say "no, I'm meant to be a Physician".

Unfortunately, I got so busy last week that I didn't have time to set up my interview for a clinical volunteer position at the NIH, so that's the first thing I'm going to do Tuesday morning. Now normally, tomorrow would be a reason to celebrate having a much needed day off, but since I have to work tomorrow, I won't be celebrating a darn thing! But given the fact that so many Scientists are unemployed, I ain't trippin', as the young people say.

Other news, my kid now has a Facebook page which I DO monitor and have complete access to! Initially, I wasn't feeling it because I generally think Facebook is for adults, but my daughter is pretty mature so as long as she follows the rules, the main one being to THINK before you post ANYTHING, she'll be okay. And she's already been told to delete obscene posts from the marijuana brownie/chocolate f**king fountain crew because they curse like 50 year ol' Navy men. Man, what ARE their parents thinking? Of course, I know my daughter does things when I'm not around that I wouldn't be too happy about, but based on her crew, I'd guess that it's rare that situations get too out of hand. Speaking of my kid, she made the Honor Roll as she always does, but she got an "A" in Physics too, which I think is amazing for a kid that wants to be an Engineer when she grows up. So to celebrate, we went shopping and she picked up a couple special things for herself which is now a LOT more expensive than it used to be since she doesn't dress casually for school anymore. That also means that I'm going to need to buy a lock for my closet soon too because we wear the same size tops and are only one size apart for bottoms! But then I remember that these are memories that I don't share with my own Mother, so while I think it will get annoying when I go to my closet to find clothes that are no longer there, I think it will be a nice memory to have of her growing up too!!

Finally, I read in pretty much one day the story of Henrietta Lacks, the woman whose cells I've been working with in the lab for years and THIS was a VERY interesting story! For those who don't know, her cancer cells were the first to be classified immortal when cultured in a lab and numerous discoveries were made as a result, including the polio vaccine. The discovery was made at Hopkins, and raised/still raises questions of medical ethics in medical practice, especially as it relates to care of the poor and underserved. And like many other academic institutions including Black ones, Hopkins has conducted studies on the poor which are questionable from an ethical perspective. Ironically, one of my mentors suggested that instead of getting an MD/PhD ( As a science PhD, she thinks the future of science sucks for some of the reasons I've talked about), I earn an MD/JD instead. Her idea is that I address issues like the ones raised in banking tissues from patients, and I gotta admit, it DOES sound kinda interesting. She even gave me a scenario to think about saying, "You could see patients in an inner city clinic 2 days/week, and be in court the other days". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! And as an alum of a university with one of the best law schools in the US, this IS something I should at least consider, given my feelings these days about research in the long term!!!

I'll tell ya', I don't know what the future holds, but I'm thoroughly enjoying seizing opportunities as they come!

End of the "meanie moo era" and clinical volunteering to go!

So yesterday was my LAST day in the lab of meanie moo and I learned something (else) VERY important (I seem to be in a season of learning/relearning things). I was a fish out of water from the moment I first stepped into a lab in 1988, so how I managed to make this my primary profession for the last I don't know how many years, is so far beyond me, I can't see it! I realized as I practically ran from the lab that if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent so much time working in a "cactus" field, LOL!!! I'm not sure what I would have done, but be around "people, people" would have been a FAR bigger priority. I LOVE research but I also realized that I REALLY LOVED the work I did around "people, people" as I did in public health in a rural health clinic for example. Unfortunately, the issue for me was that I only wanted to be in a patient oriented field as a Doc, so I never really considered anything else clinical a good "meantime" gig. In retrospect, I probably really wouldn't change anything, but thinking I would EVER fit in well among science "types" was a pipe dream waiting to explode.

So before I left my old lab, I talked at great length with the post-Doc who trained me, a sista' with a PhD from Howard heading to Law school next year. Granted she wasn't supposed to do that, but she felt sorry for me being basically abandoned in the lab, LOL!! And what I concluded after talking with her is that there are very solid reasons why there aren't many American Blacks interested in Science careers. I talked about one a few weeks ago, the presence of foreigners willing to work for free/peanuts. But the other is the lack of anything that even resembles mentoring. Every other group of people whom you see congregated in the Sciences, African, Indians, ect. almost always have someone else present in science departments who share their culture, thus giving them a “go to" person before they get settled in well. And yeah, America’s a melting pot, yada, yada, yada, but people always self-segregate. Just like the Black post-doc reached out to me, when NO other post doc in my dept did, I digress........., I’m so not complaining about that because quite frankly I’m used to it. The point is that having someone you share something in common with makes things a hellva' lot easier which is why it’s NO surprise to me that the majority of Black PhD’s in science earned those degrees at HBCU’s. Equally unsurprising, are the extremely small numbers of American Blacks who earn PhD's and remain connected in some way to the lab. In fact, I'm the ONLY person in a lifetime of knowing and meeting Black folks with science PhD's and MD/PhD's who stayed connected in some way with lab work, and I'm the ONLY one I know with any interest at all in continuing to do scientific research. THE ONLY ONE!!! And I suspect if I didn't have the mentors I have, I probably would have thrown in the towel research wise a LONG time ago too!

Anyhoo, this isn't supposed to be a bitchin’ post which it appears to be morphing into, I guess I just realized that in retrospect, I haven’t gotten as much out of a research career as I thought I would have by now and the reasons have very little to do with effort on my part. Plus, the fact is that the thing I’m enjoying most about teaching/tutoring is that I get to regularly interact with diverse groups of people, which doesn't help my attitude toward a strictly research career either. Now let me be REAL clear hear, teaching ain't hardly “it” for me because it simply isn't intellectually stimulating enough by itself, but I've always planned to have it be a part of my career as a Physician.

I guess I said all that to say that I’m now laser focused on getting into a clinical environment volunteer wise for sure, though it would be nice to also have a research position that involved a substantial amount of “clinical” duty as well. And given my long term goals, that shouldn't be all that surprising. So I’m planning to sign up to be a volunteer at the NIH clinical center until I get back there as a pre-doctoral fellow, double ASAP!!!!