Yet another prediction come true.........

So we rush our beloved middle "child" AKA oldest cat to the ER this evening to have my worst feelings confirmed. Our cat has cancer and without treatment, may live 2 more weeks. With treatment and assuming it works, maybe a year.

Right now I don't know how I feel about cat chemo for what may be an additional 12 months? And exactly what would the quality of life look like in those 12 months? To even get to that stage, there are so many procedures they want to do and I'm pretty solidly in the "let the cat live as procedure free and comfortable as possible for whatever time she has left" camp. Of course, everyone in my family is looking for me to make the final call given my experience with hospice, cancer research, and volunteer work with cancer free, newly diagnosed, and current cancer patients. And on the one hand the pressure is tremendous but only because I'm dealing with crap on my job. I'm actually the only calm one in the house. Understandably, my daughter is absolutely heartbroken and we did discuss having the cat put to sleep to prevent her from suffering too much. And while this is a conversation NO parent wants to have with a child, the conversation itself feels familiar, as if it's something I'm going to have to do in my next career.....

And that brings about a sense of calm, rationality, and purpose.

PS - I've decided NOT to quit my job so if they want me out, they'll have to fire me! In the meantime, may the chips fall where they may, God has already set in place a golden parachute just for me!

Another case of "I told you so"

So once again, I'm going to violate my own rules about never blogging about my current place of employment, but I always find it surprisingly strange when my predictions come true. You may remember me mentioning SKD rescinding his offere to write letters of recc for me recently and me saying that it probably meant some $hit was about to hit the fan. Well the $hit turned out to be a final written warning from my insecure Supv that "any further violations of company policy would result in my immediate termination". And my response to him, his Supv, and the HR rep present when I received it was that my final warning read like the first page of the 101 stereotypes of black women handbook. And yes, I. Did. Say. Those. EXACT. Words, in front of ALL of them. Yeah.

Now when most people get their final warnings, it's AFTER having received on before that. But the last written document I have from Mr. Insecure was one of the best evals I'd ever received in my entire 20+ year career. So somewhere between January of this year and May, I decided to be the big pharma's version of a character from the TV show Basketball Wives. And that ends my talk about the gig from hell. NEXT!!!

I've been given an internship to do Perl scripting for a major company starting in July though some contacts I have in the Computer Science world. But I'm still waiting to hear back about the bioinformatics fellowship, so I'm gonna think things through before rushing to make a decision and focus on how blessed I am to have options. I'm now thinking about taking about a month off (and telling the folks I work with now to kiss where the sun don't shine) so I can fine tune my computer programming skills. That way with either gig, I could really hit the ground running!!

Obviously, all this craziness has temporarily brought my med school app process to a halt, but has also reinforced that med school dream. Not that I needed ANY more reinforcement that I'm not even close to being in the place God wants me to be!!

The sun ALWAYS comes out tomorrow!

Isn't it odd that the most beautiful days seem to always come after a bad storm?

It's so easy to focus on the bad things in your life at the expense of all the wonderful things and my life last week is NO exception. In the muck and mire of bad news, I completely forgot to mention the lab management position I was asked to interview for at another company in the area because to be honest, I really was trying to get OUT of the lab. But I'm going to set up an interview for it ASAP because I don't have a good feeling about where I am now. I'm also going to accept the fact that this bouncing around from gig to gig may very well be my life until I go back to school full-time. And for 20K more in salary, I'll gladly bounce around with my well formed methods of dealing with royal a-holes. But what I won't learn for the umpteenth time is not to trust ANYONE I work with........

Lessons learned, now on to my wonderfully bright future!!!

From rain, to typhoons!!!

So where do I begin? Despite what I said in my last post about NOT talking about my current gig, I'm going to talk about it anyway, lol!! And I'll start with the fact that SKG, the man on my current gig whom I thought was my mentor, and whom I asked for letters of reccomendation for med school, grad school, and another gig, has suddenly an "unexplicably" retracted his decision to help me at all. And this pretty much means that the comment I made about hoping I wouldn't get messed over when I first mentioned that I had gone to him for help, has come to pass. Now I have NO IDEA what happened or what changed, but what I do know is that he's clearly sold me out, to Mr. Insecure, at least that's what my gut is telling me. In fact, things are starting to feel a LOT like they did when my black arse was bounced from the last private big Pharma company I worked for.

And what can I say, that I didnt KNOW before I started gig that this wasn't gonna work out long term?? Of course I knew it, because I blogged about it. Now there are those who say that there's a TON of power in words and I believe that but there's also a TON of power in avoiding place where you KNOW FOR DAMN SURE YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE HAPPY! EVER!!!

Okay enough with that and as the young folks say, it is what it is, so let's move on the other parts of my nightmare week. I had emergency oral surgery yesterday, so I missed 2 days in a VERY important work week. I also found out that my "middle child" is pretty ill ( she's 9 years old), so it's also been a very sad week. We haven't received the blood work back yet, but I just don't have a good feeling about this. She's lost some weight and has some GI issues too ( like mother, like cat I guess).

So I guess that ends my nightmare week, I just wish I could wake up and have it all be a dream..............

Chronic illness and medical school

Up until a few years ago, I'd never given much thought to attending med school while having to deal with anything other than asthma. But these past few weeks when I've been seriously under the weather thanks to IBS, have me thinking about ways to manage my health and the impending stress of med school. So I've been surfing the net for stories about those who've successfully dealt with chronic illnesses while in medical school, but when having these thoughts, I'm immediately reminded of a young man I met while I was in grad school whom had sickle cell anemia yet finished med school ON TIME. Then I think about the couple of cancer patients I've read about who went through med school. Finally, I remind myself that if there's a will, there's a way, then make myself think about something more positive.

Speaking of more positive, I've submitted my apps for adjunct teaching positions at local colleges and universities and I'm VERY excited about the prospects. One school required a teaching statement and it was fun to reflect on how I went from a science major flunk out to having 3 degrees in the sciences. But it's also why I feel more qualified than most to teach because I know the pitfalls to avoid, but more than that, I can communicate what it takes to rise from the ashes to excellence because I've had to DO IT before.

Of course all that work on job apps means I haven't done anything with my med school apps but that's okay for now. A more realistic goal is for me to not go into June needing to complete the app and that seems resonable even though I'm planning to go on another mini vacay before June.

And in a serious turn in terms of what I'm going to blog about in the future, I'm going to do my best to refrain from saying anything else about my current gig. Ya'll know what is it by now and since it's not going to change until I move to another group, I've just decided to move on in my mind and wait for my "body" to catch up later!!!

And in memory of my last post regarding my current gig, I leave you with the following video and your imagination:



PS: The iPad SUCKS for blogging!! URGH!!!

I told you so!

Now I'm not normally an "I told you so" kinda gal but since my relationship with my Supv seems to be in permanent gutter status, I'll say that AND "cabbage patch" around the net too, LOL!!

It turns out that the work Mr. Insecure told me was crap a few weeks ago ended up NOT being crap after all. And he had to literally EAT those words because the fact is that he doesn't have much skill in immunohistochemistry as he let on and which others are noticing BIG TIME. You see it was one thing for him to question MY calculations when we got what appeared to be erroneous results. But to then claim to "hate math" when he tried and failed to do the calculations himself is just ridiculous (and I don't think I've EVER met someone with his education level 2 doctorates, that couldn't so simple chemistry calculations)!!

So anyhoo, he gave me major attitude when I went to submit some data to him which in all honesty, only served to prove immature and unprofessional he is, LOL!! But I know that despite him being nasty, I have to work around his "issues" and get my work done and that included giving him the results I talked about on a recent previous post. But today was also a sort of breakthrough in my professional relationship with SKD which is just super! Hopefully this won't come back and bite me in the arse, but I asked SKD for a LOR for me for med school and to my surprise he agreed! Not only that, he's agreed to be a reference for me with new gigs I apply for and for the fellowship I've applied for to fund my MS in Bioinformatics. But he also said something that leads me to believe that one half of my employment nightmare may soon be over due to some other things (that I won't talk about in detail now) that may be coming down the pipeline in the next couple months.

Which is good news, though I feel like I;ve significantly helped myself by morphing into this always positive thinking, happy attitude person when I've felt negative forces like my Supv, trying unsuccessfully to pull me into situations that could cost me my job. But like my overly religious sister/cousin likes to say "the devil is a liar", so keeping that in mind has been a literal Godsend. I'm realizing more and more everyday that we really, REALLY do have positive power over negative forces in our lives if we simply keep our emotions in check, and maintain a positive attitude and demeanor. Now, NO ONE knows better than me how hard that can be at times, but the consequences of not doing so literally shortens people's lives (and paychecks). So when Mr. Insecure said to me today as I was walking in his office to give him my data "let me make this clear, you're going to work with the Bovine no matter what" (and NO, I don't know why he came off like that besides his being a b*tcha$$), I could immediately and with a smile respond with "absolutely, and I'm sure we're going to get great results working together as a team". The look on his sorry, trying to pick a fight face was priceless!!! And I feel strongly if I keep this up, I'll be VERY prepared for what lies ahead in med school and beyond!

Living with purpose

While I'm a VERY spiritual person, I also know that not everyone believes as I do. But I've found myself re-reading portions of the book in this post a LOT lately.

Not sure if I've ever blogged about this before, but I've secretly had a LOT of issues with some of the animal research I've participated in over the last 7 or so years. And by having issues, I don't mean that I don't think animals shouldn't be used for research, I absolutely see it as a necessity. What I mean is that I've observed one too many times callous attitudes/poor treatment of the animals used in scientific research. And yes, the most abuses I've seen are/were in big Pharma. Some of the disease models I've seen like MS and cancer are absolutely horrific, so I'll spare the exact details. Let's just say that this is one of the MANY reasons I've got to get out of the path lab and onto projects that not only involve more direct or indirect patient contact, but so that I can use ALL of the talents I feel God has blessed me with.

Moving on, I wasn't feeling well today so I didn't get much done with my AMCAS application. But I've given myself until next Sunday to get it all done which I think is good considering all the other things I have going on. I've also been furiously applying to other gigs (man, I wish I could give all the details of what's going on my my current gig), and these positions are all OUT of the lab, and involve a LOT of public health type work.

Speaking of public health, I realize (again) that one of the things that draws me to this field is the fact that I always feel like I'm making a different in someone's life health wise. And part of my STRONG dissatisfaction with my current work and work in big Pharma in general, is that that feeling of making a difference in someone's life just isn't there for me. However, I also remember how kinda "bored" I was sometimes with epidemiology work and and how I longed to be in the lab because it involved more real "science" (man, how many times have I wished I had stayed or expanded where I was when I was there). And before I go too far, I'm NOT changing my professional mind again, LOL!!! It's simply that I can apply my interest in Bioinformatics into public health, though not as much as studying Public Health Informatics which doesn't involve enough hard core science for me. I'm thinking something along the lines of a cancer informatics/cancer epidemiology combo might be just the ticket. If I can find such an opportunity! Or maybe I can create one.....................

So I guess you can say that I have spent a LOT of time thinking about my short term life's purpose which has also involved re-reading some of my old blog posts (and a HUGE shout out to Kris and NJDR2b for helping me in my "evolution"). Living a life that's off purpose can be just a difficult and mind sapping as living one with no purpose at all. And while I don't think I fall in the later category, the former certainly has me written ALL OVER IT these days. But the beauty of this revelation is that I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT TODAY, which is why despite not feeling well, I've been applying to jobs which involve data analysis, epidemiology, or Bioinformatics like a crazy woman in between resting/napping. Of course, those which also have a cancer "flavor" are most appealing but right now, I'll take it anyway I can get it!

Fill in and submit!

So I've officially started working on my AMCAS class of 2013 application, yeah me! But when you've attended as many schools as I have, it takes a long, long, LONG time to complete the entire application! As of now, I've completed all the sections I could that didn't require me filling in the schools/courses section, and I've saved that part for last. I'll have that section completed tomorrow so my transcript requests can go out on Monday. I'd already previously gathered info on addy's and costs of transcripts, so all I need to do is add the letters, complete the envelope, and mail! Yeah me!!

In case you're wondering why I hadn't been blogging this week, it was because I was a combo of borderline stressed out from my the "negative" aspects of my job and having GI "issues". Unfortunately, the former exaggerates the later, so I work REAL hard on keeping a positive attitude/outlook, however difficult that is on some days. Like the day my "SUPER secure" Supv accused me of being disloyal to my wonderful group and being confused about which group I'm in because I regularly hang out with SKD and his group. I mean really, are you serious? First of all, I didn't realize my movements were being watched so closely but given how close we all sit together, I don't have to think long about who he could have gotten that info from. But the most significant "stressor" this week, was the realization once again, that I'd observed a potentially clinical drug trial killing issue that my Pathologist Supv did not catch. Along those same lines, why is it that the last 2 Pathologists I've worked with feel/felt like they need to tell me I'm NOT a Pathologist, when I've worked with 2 of the best Pathologists in the world, and NEITHER EVER said anything close to that to me, LOL? Anyhoo, in spite of all that (or maybe because of it??), my week ended on a VERY high note and it was VERY hard for me not to "cabbage patch" myself out the door when I left work on Friday because I LOVE Science!!! :)

Finally, did anyone see last week's Grey's Anatomy? It was absolutely hilarious and between this show and Scandal which comes on afterwards, Thursday has become my must see TV night! And the fact that a Black woman created and produces BOTH shows gives it that extra "you go girl" ness!!

** I edited my earlier post about the situation which lead to my finding a potentially clinical trial changing finding because well, I'm hoping to get the hell out of this place ASAP and leave ALL of the foolishness behind me. And the internet ain't a secret!!