Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Mirror, mirror on the wall...........................
In yet another AMAZING revelation I'm having about myself these days, I realize that when it comes to shedding insecurities about who I am, what I am, and what I feel I’m capable of achieving, I KNOW I have that completely licked (most days, LOL!!!) those which could hold me back. Unfortunately, the problem that occasionally creeps back up into my life and that I’ve been dealing with since the moment I entered college, is that many other people won’t for whatever reason, see me the same way I see myself. And this brings me to what I’ve been struggling with lately on my current gig. First, a LOT of my success depends on other people, I situation I find horrifying and 2) My Supv will NEVER see me rising above my current job situation, nor will he do anything to facilitate my long term advancement here. So for example, when a Scientist position came up in our group a few months ago which uses 90% of what I’ve been trained to do in the Pathology field, I wasn’t surprised he set it up so that I couldn’t compete for it by telling HIS boss that he didn’t agree I was suited for the job AND by insisting a PhD only be considered for it, despite HIS bosses’ initial support of my being considered. Now when the bovine you work with is higher ranked than you are in this company even though she never even finished a 2 year degree, it should probably come as no surprised that he may associate you with being a trifling underachiever as well. But today, when he questioned my desire to attend a research meeting attended primarily by Physicians, the hairs on the back of my neck literally stood up.
Here’s the thing. Just because the bovine of ill intent only has aspirations of attending meetings geared toward techs, avoids reading slides and papers whenever she can, and refuses to earn the FREE bachelor’s degree the company could have paid for 3 times by now given how long she’s worked there, do NOT confuse me with her. He doesn’t seem to understand that mine was a deliberate decision to be here because I wanted more experience in Pathology over more money and titles, certainly not that I was consigning with being thought of as a technician. And it’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with being a technician, that’s where I started a LONG time ago. But when I finished my first MS in 1999 after having worked in research labs about 10 years and got published 2 years later, I became a Scientist whether or not anyone else agrees with me or not. More importantly, once you’ve learned how to be a scientist and act and think like one, it’s almost impossible to think ANY other way. So for example, if I lost my job tomorrow and had to scrub toilets at the Piggly Wiggly, I would STILL be a Scientist, thinking I don’t wanna’ mix acid based cleaners with bases or I’ll die from the released ammonium gas, ROTFLMAO!!!!! My deal is this. When you’ve worked for a world known Pathologist whom you’ve also published with, it’s almost impossible to see yourself as anything other than capable to being among the best of the best. Or at least trying.
So that part of our conversation ended with me saying: “ it’s clear that you don’t see me that way I see myself, so we’ll have to agree to disagree on that point. But I know for sure that my future in this field extends far beyond where I am today and I have every intention of doing whatever I have to today to make sure I’m prepared for my future”. For me, that means I’ll be using vacation time as well as my own money to attend this meeting with Pathologists, because the bottom line is this. If I’m not willing to invest in my VERY bright future, I sure as hell can’t depend on anyone else to do it!