The purple elephant in the room

I knew I was at an all time low point in my current position when while in a meeting between the eggplant, my Supv, and a rep from HR, she accused me of rolling my eyes and neck at her then told them I admitted it to her (and why I'm just now blogging about this, I have NO idea, LOL!!). Now, I was a fan back in the day of the TV show Good Times, but this chick wasn't even alive then, so she couldn't have been using that for her "model" of how Black women behave. But with all the reality trash on TV these days which essentially portray Black women as ignorant, ass shakin', eyeball rolling hootchie baby mama's, it was NO surprise she felt VERY comfortable slinging some ignorant shit like that at me. What was even less surprising for me was that the other 2 people in the room, felt comfortable enough to address the issue she raised.

Malcolm X once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that no matter how much education a Black person has, many people in the world will still only seem them as a N*gger. Well, I've had 20 years of professional experiences since my matriculation at one of the most historically racists universities in the US to pretty much confirm that's very true. And I relocated from the deep South to Metro DC in large part because I got tired of dealing with that on a regular basis and more importantly, I didn't want to raise my daughter in that kind of atmosphere.

My grandmother circa 1908 whose husband was killed by a angry, white, law enforcement filled mob in 1939, told all of us growing up that we would have to work twice as hard as other people to be considered half as good. And I've pretty much taken that to heart for all of my educational and professional life. It's in the "handbook for educated Negroes", that the absolute LAST thing you EVER do in a professional setting, is ANYTHING that in some way supports any of the plethora of negative stereotypes about Black folks. So for me in a job setting, I've learned to go overboard to avoid being racially stereotyped. Now when this witch played the race card with that bullshit about me rolling my eyes at her, she and I both knew EXACTLY what she was doing and given where she's from (deep South, of course), I definitely "got it". Interesting enough, the person from HR actually DID call her out in that meeting for doing what? Yep, you guessed it, rolling her eyes IN THAT MEETING (and I don't for one second think I could have gotten away with that without at least getting a verbal reprimand, ( [roll eyes], pun intended, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!)

One of the beauties of having attended and recently graduated from a prestigious and elite university is that I didn't really see or deal with people like eggplant for a number of reasons, the first of which that comes to mind is that educated white folks with money don't seem to have the "social" issues of their less fortunate and less educated counterparts (and yes, I out educated eggplant by 3 degrees). In fact, when it comes to issues of tolerance, diversity, and open mindedness, this university is just world class IMHO, even though it does have a prominent religious flavor. So this very recent experience makes what I deal with now in my current gig all the more crass, unacceptable, and foul but at the end of the day, what can I do?? Suck it up and deal, that's pretty much it. And as I've said many, many times before, I know it won't be long before I"ll "appreciate" this challenge because I'm REgaining valuable "people who are racist jerks" skills which I'll obviously need in the future!!!

Funkified!!!

The title says it all, I'm just really at a bad place these days. The gig is just so-so and at the end of the day I just wish I worked in a different "situation" (and as a Dr.). The problem is that I can't think of what kind of people would be "good" to work around, just that when I worked in professions that required work with the poor and/or unfortunate, it was far more rewarding from both a personal and professional point of view. Of course my pay was minimal, but at least I was happy most days!!!

I also realized the "error" of my thoughts 5 minutes after I posted previously because at 44, I have absolutely NO intention of trying to reinvent myself now outside of going to med school. And on that note, my mind is wandering all over the place from Neurology to Family Practice/Preventative Medicine. So while I know I'd enjoy patient care most days, the paperwork/malpractice/reimbursement aspects of it is a HUGE turn off!!! But a research/clinical appointment at the NIH would be a dream come true no matter which field I specialized in.

My daughter is now 1 inch taller than me (and I'm almost 5'8" tall), so we're having frequent "showdowns" in these here parts, LOL!!! She also now has a "friend" who just happens to be male, tall, and cute that she met in Honors Geometry. And I wouldn't be a Mom if I didn't mention that I'm certain the B+ she earned in this class recently could easily have been an "A" if she wasn't so distracted. So here it is, the teenaged years and if I'm lucky, I'll survive!! :)

One last thing, I'm REALLY enjoying the Wii!!!!!

Patellofemoral what?!?!

Yes everyone, Path201X is getting old, LOL!! Now I've known for a while that one day my knees would give me problems but since I kept my weight well within normal ranges over the years and regularly exercised, I figured I had at least another 15 or so years before I started to have REAL issues. But that was not figuring in the fact that my knees ended my track career back in the day and I recently slipped and fell in the bath tub. Now I'm wearing knee supports, icing my kness everyday, and applying a topical NSAID for relief. Oh yeah, I've also retired my stiletto's (for now) in favor of my wide foot Ascic's walking shoes!

Funny thing is, I was just "debating" with a close friend of mine of why my going to med school in my late 40's is a great idea until she reminded me that while I say I'm going to work until death, I may or may not be healthy enough to work at all in my 50's and 60's. And tomorrow I could hit by a Metero bus, what da' hell, who lives their life worrying about something that may never happen? Certainly not me, but this knee thing does have me thinking but NOT about giving up on med school.

It has me thinking about how after 5 years of being focused on nothing but Pathology and going as far as I can go careerwise without an MD or PhD, that it may be time for me to reinvent myself. Well, kinda sorta, I'm looking again into environmental health, toxicology, risk assesment, ect (yes, the adult ADD strikes again, LOL!!) Thing is if you've been reading my blog long enough then you know that 1) I've already got half the credits needed for an MPH and 2) I was accepted to a program in Environmental Health back in the mid-2000's. So not quite left field but certainly different from Pathology in so many ways! But it would be a VERY good use of my degrees in Pharm and Chemistry!!! Of course, finding out that a local university offeres a part-time doctorate program in this field has also peaked my interest, but that would likely require a job change and lucky for me, my degree collection could make this happen, although I can't fathom a guess about how long it would take. Of course, I haven't fogtten about Pathology Informatics particularly because I'm good at it, but it just doesn't excite me the way hard core science does. I mean really, do I want to be stuck to a computer all day long especially in light of my knee problems? Probably not!!!

Well again, that's just me thinking out loud in my blog, searching for something to fill what's obvisouly missing in my current occupation besides working around "people, people".

MCAT study still on point, though I don't have any test results to report. This week has been Chemistry review and I'm just about done with the first TBR Chemistry book finally!!! Yeah me!!!

Okay, I gotta go ice my knees now!!!! :)

Random tidbits!

1) I'm STILL a conservative independant, in an area where most people who look like me are Dumbocrats, LOL!!

2) I'm thinking more and more about patient care everyday, though I still plan to balance it with a research agenda too!

3) I'm working daily (during the week) on my MCAT prep.....until Christmas break where I'll likely "break" too long!

4) If my 14 year old asks me to download the 80's R&B hit "Sexual Healing" to her iPod one more time, I'm gonna scream!! Somehow I don't buy her "I promise I don't listen to the words" statement about a song like THAT!! URGH!!!

5) My knees still hurt, so I guess I'd better see my Orthopedist soon since I forgot I slipped and fell in the tub over a month ago and landed on one of them.

6) I'm having a great time in the lab these days and having all my expts work plays a HUGE part. So does an "I don't give a shit anymore" attitude about things and people I don't control.

7) I'm so glad Prez. Obama renewed the tax breaks. Doing otherwise I'm certain would have led to an economic depression.

8) I can't wait to play with the Wii we purchased for our daughter for Christmas, and I got the Zumba "game" just for me!!!

9) I was reminded the other day by the friend of a friend that I make more than some Doctors. Whatever, I'd rather be one anyway!!!!

10) That is all! :)

Over 40 with plenty of excuses

It's occurred to me over the past few years that there's something "special" in this country about being over 40. For example, by the time a woman is over 40, she's supposed to be "over the hill" and no longer desirable. The thing is that there are PLENTY of women who defie that stupid idea!!! It's also occurred to me that when you're over 40, it's extremely easy to come up with reasons NOT to go back to school including, retirement, college funds, life in general, mortages, car payments, and the list could probably go on indefinitely!!! Well after talking to many med schools before I turned 40 and now many afterwards, it seems to me that "40" seems to be the undefined age people "expect" you to have become whatever it is you wanted to be when you "grew up". Well, TO HELL WITH THAT!!!!

What I can tell you that my knees which killed my track career back in the day, hurt like hell these days for reasons I can't really figure out except that I tend to sleep in the fetal position and keep my knees bent at my desk at work for 4 hours + per day. Urgh!!! I guess the signs of aging are upon me, LOL!!!

I did have a very interesting convo with the new Path in the lab the other day and she said something that literally stopped me in my tracks, "You should really think about becoming an MD, and the type that sees patients". So again, inspiration from places where you least expect it and at a time when you really need it. The thing is while I clearly enjoy the field of Pathology, I feel like something is "missing" in my life now that I no longer volunteer with Komen, and it occurred to me that that "something" is contact with people. Sure, I live and work with "people" but it's not enough, not even close. And a recent visit to the NIH Clinical Center on the patient floors had me really thinking about how good a field like Gerontology would make me feel. I think it would give my research a more tangible "purpose" and I could certainly keep the "pathology" flavor of my research going in diseases like Alzheimer's or Parkinson's (I'm also fascinated by Traumatic Brain Injury as I've mentioned before). So on that note, I think I'm going to see what volunteer opportunities may be available at the senior living facility a few blocks from my house sometime in the next few weeks!

Happy days are here again?

So it looks like the new Vet Pathologist and I attended the same school for undergrad at the SAME time!!!! Well, ain't that some 'ish and so far she seems like my kinda gal having already commented on how dead the lab is (her words, NOT mine).

Either way, I've decided to focus on other things in my life other than the lab "microenvironment", like the MCAT. And I'm slowly trudging through Ct. 3 in the TBR Chem 1 book. I'm also making some good strides in verbal, and just hoping I can keep what's morphed into a daily MCAT study schedule going until I take the test some time in late Spring (I think).

A few of you may remember my joining a pathology informatics organization not long ago and one of the benefits of my membership is that I get to be a "fly on the wall" as Pathologists discuss pertinent issues in their practice and in the field. Recently, I was very surprised to learn that ~70% of a patient's medical record consist of labs, ie PATHOLOGY!!! Yet the field is so disrespected in medicine and that makes absolutely NO sense to me!!!!

So what does that means in term of patient care to me? It means that Docs need to start paying attention, and I mean really attention, to what's in those charts, but I wonder, how many of them DO pay attention. Case in point, I have a friend who recently had surgery to remove ovarian cysts and her CA 125 antigen was high (as expected for ovarian cycts). SO my question is that when my friend goes back to have her repeat CA 125 measured, will her Doctor just blow it off if it comes back high again? Unfortunately, this was the case for a family member who long ago succumbed to ovarian cancer. But it begs the question, how much to Docs pay attention to labs? How much do they primarily rely on what they observe clinically which is obviously important, but clearly doesn't tell the entire story? At any rate, I'm really enjoying "listening" in on these convo's!!!

Long time, no post??

My, my how time flies when you're having fun??? Nope, I can't say that life has been all that "fun" these past few weeks with my job being the largest source of my "angst". These days, I'm realizing more than ever just how much it means for a place to have had 8 different employees in 2 years, 5 of whom were pathologists (and of course, I didn't find this out until AFTER I started this job ).But then again for the past few years, complaining about my job has unfortunately been the norm for me. And as much as I hate to acknowledge it, since I've worked in histology/pathology I've been pretty miserable on a regular basis due I think in large part to all the women I've had to work for and around, LOL!!!

So I guess with the great disappointment my jobs have been over the past few years, you'd think I'd be studying feverishly for the MCAT so I can move on to what I really want to do, but that hasn't been the case. My motivation to study has taken a great hit for many reasons, but I guess recently finishing a rigorous MS program is probably at the top of that list. Spending 8 hours a day around people with shitty attitudes is probably a close second and has had me thinking. Why is it that the best jobs I've ever had were doing things I didn't enjoy as much as pathology? Is finding a good combination between good pay, interesting work, and good people to work around just a pipe dream? Honestly, I usually end up feeling like until I finish med school, I'll NEVER find a "satisfactory" job or environment to work in because everything I do will always be a distant second to what I really want to do.

I also realize that managing people simply isn't for me because it requires far more bullshit than I can stomach. And with that comment I'll leave it at that, and simply say that my ideal job is STILL being a Clinical Associate at the NIH in the Department of Pathology. In this job, my day would be filled with reading class, attending pathology conference, consulting with other physicians, and doing research. And obviously this job has a great mix of women AND men!!!

Moving on from bitching, Thanksgiving was great and I spent it with close friends and family. I was pretty much in charge of cooking all of the food and with my deeply southern roots, that was no problem!!! I always enjoy feeding folks good ol' comfort food!!! I do plan to go home to NC for Christmas where I'm supposed to do most of the cooking again, so I'm looking forward to that as well but I'll have to think about how I can be in TN with my sister who's having major surgery and at home where I'd long ago made travel plans. Truthfully speaking, I probably won't make it to TN because I can't take the time off from my gig and during the time I do have off, other family will be in TN. And from the looks of things, the weather won't be cooperating during that time of year anyway.

Ok, I'm getting hungry and need to start breakfast, then I need to get back to the verbal MCAT passages I was doing before I wrote this post. Have a great one! :)